“KARGADA”

“KARGADA”

It is an Ilongo term that may mean weapon.  It could mean a gun, a knife, or instrument carried by a human male for use against an opponent.  Yes, the word usually refers to weapons, but it could mean something else—depending on whom you ask and how one propounds the question.
If you were asked the question: “May kargada ka?” (Do you have a “kargada?”) — more likely, you will understand it that he wants to know whether you are armed or not.  In such a case, you have to answer with either a “Yes” or a “No.”  However, if somebody would ask you: “Sa diin ang kargada?” (Where is the “kargada?”) – I’m sure you will be confused how to answer such an unusual question.  
When we were in the elementary grades, the location of the kargada was the most important information that we children should not forget especially when we were given the chore to bring Tatay’s clothing material to the tailor.  Before going to the tailoring shop, Tatay would repeat the question that is sure to be asked by Manong Gil Teruel (his personal tailor): “Diin ang kargada na ka dya?”  To which, I was expected to answer: “Sa wala” (“On the left”).  I am sure I’ll never be able to hear that dialogue again.  First—because Tatay has long gone by now:  Second: because of the invention of the gartered Brief.
Yes, that brief—or jockey—or whatever you call it — that thing finished off the kargada question.  In the days before the onset of the Brief, the males had to be content with wearing the carsoncillo.  As we now know, the brief has the capacity to hold that THING in place no matter how the body moves or no matter how excited IT gets.  When wearing the brief, the Thing has no other option but to be always entrenched in the center, slightly upward, and always pointing upwards.
During the time of the carsoncillo, the THING had more freedom: IT can position itself wherever it wanted.  It can choose to go LEFT, RIGHT, or even UP or DOWN depending on the smells, sights and sounds monitored by the nose, the eyes, and the ears, respectively.  One thing about the carsoncillo—it cannot hold the Thing in the center because of its nature and shape.  It is only intended to provide cover and concealment. So, the choice has to be made to go either Left or Right.
One might wonder how our males may have appeared to an interested observer under the circumstances.  What if HE got excited while his Thing happened to be in a very awkward position, will IT not bulge up?  Well, it seemed that that question was not much of a worry.  The tailors took care of that concern.  And all they needed was that they be informed of where the KARGADA was.
When the tailor asked about the kargada, he was actually asking which side his client prefers his Thing to be positioned.  With that info, special adjustments will be made such that the bulge (in case it shows itself) is hidden and made to look as if it were just a protrusion of some sort.  Some call it tailor’s magic. Probably it has something to do with illusion that would make any bulge appear negligible, however big it actually is.  If you have watched a magic show, try to figure out how many pigeons or rabbits the magician placed inside his suit.  These did not cause any noticeable bulge, did it?  If a tailor can hide a bulge made by several moving rabbits and pigeons, there is no reason that he cannot manage to hide a single bird that does nothing but sit and stay on its Left and Right eggs.   Indeed, tailors are magicians, too.
In this age of mass production, the kargada-adjusted pants have become almost obsolete.  The tailor no longer asks you about your kargada.  Maybe he presumes that all his customers have long ago disposed that cool, comfortable, and good old-fashioned carsoncillo in favor of the modern, tight-fitting, and sexier-looking brief that firmly holds a man’s most important ‘package’ in place and in position come what may.  With this modern garment, the kargada is sure to be up front… boldly, in the center and always pointing UP! Hahaha!

THIRTEEN AND A HALF INCHES

In his campaign sorties, Senator Juan Flavier never forgot to use his height (or lack of it) advantage which never failed to get the audience’s attention.  When it was his time on the microphone, he would make it a point to stand beside the tallest person onstage before firing his antics.  In provincial rallies, he stood beside fellow candidate Rodolfo Biazon and said,  “General Biazon is 6 feet but has only 2 inches,  I am only 4 feet but has 11 inches”.  He then would ask the audience: “Alin ba ang mas mahalaga sa mga lalaki, ang feet ba? O ang inches?”  Always, the audience would loudly roar: “INCHES!!” Then Sen. Flavier would add, “That is how important the “inches” is.”
The most talked about character with the most inches was an American actor who was reputed to be endowed with a very long 13.5-inch instrument which made him a celebrity during the era of the “fighting fish” films.
John Holmes started his career when a female neighbor who was making short porno films knew about his very unusual characteristic.  She advised him to try the trade where he could make much money.  With his tall, slim build with curly light brown hair, a light mustache, and bright blue eyes, Holmes became an instant sensation.
Everybody soon became curious about his legendary endowment which became more controversial because magazines had conflicting descriptions as to the length of the ‘manoy’.  One women’s magazine put it at 12.5/8 inches long while other publications put it at 13 ½ inches.  In some cases there were accompanying life sized pictures of John Holmes’ penis for the curious to measure
Holmes got starring roles in over 2,000 full length films, stag films, and adult features in a career that spanned nearly 20 years.  In some of this period, he earned an average salary of 3,000 Dollars a day.  In addition to starring in films, he also did a ‘penis-for-hire’ business which became lucrative as his services were flooded with requests from clients all over the world.
His most famous character is probably Johnny Wadd, a lusty, always on-the-make detective he played in several crude porno films like 'China Cat' (1978), 'Liquid Lips' (1976), and 'Blond Fire' (1978), which is considered the best of the so-called 'Wadd Films'. He also did big-budget pictures which co-starred big names like Marilyn Chambers, Annete Haven, Seka, and Traci Lords.
In late 1970s, John Holmes fell victim to cocaine abuse which prevented him from performing in the on-screen sex, making him drop out of the adult film business. By late 1980, he was broke with all of his millions spent on drugs because he never fully got over his addiction. He made money by robbing people’s houses and cars, as well as delivering drugs for the local gangsters.
The lowest point in his life was when he was implicated in grisly, drug-related murders on July 1, 1981. William Deverell, Ronald Launius, Joy Miller, and Barbara Richardson were murdered by a gang of unknown henchmen sent by a powerful gangster, named Eddie Nash.  John Holmes was indicted when investigators presented circumstances that pointed to his presence when the murders were being committed.  The bloody crime made lurid headlines throughout southern California and became known as The Wonderland Murders, named after the street in the wooded Laurel Canyon neighborhood of Los Angeles where the killings took place. Holmes refused to cooperate with police and went on the run for nearly six months before he was taken into custody.
The authorities were angered by John's refusal to co-operate in the investigation.  They put him on trial for all four murders. After a three-month, semi-public trial, John was finally acquitted on June 26, 1982. Although found not guilty of the murders, he remained in jail for burglary and contempt-of-court.  He was released in November, 1982.
After his imprisonment, John Holms tried to continue his porn career but his addiction hounded him.  In 1985 he was diagnosed to have AIDS.  Despite this, he continued working and copulating with women on and off screen without letting them know that he was afflicted with the dreaded disease. John died at the Veteran's Administration Hospital in California on March 13, 1988.
Holmes lived a short life of 44 years but he claimed to have made sex with 14,000 women since he reached the age of 12 when he lost his innocence to a 36-year old friend of his mother and he appeared in more than 2,000 pornographic films.  Surely this record would not have been possible had John Holmes not been “blessed” with this 13.5-inch length.

Quick facts on John Holmes:

Name    JOHN HOLMES
Real Name    John Curtis Estes
Nationality    American
Date of Birth    August 8, 1944
Nicknames    King of Porn
Sultan of Smut
Johnny Wadd
Height    6’2”
Unique Characteristic    Legendary endowment (12 5/8" long according to a Screw Magazine interview while other conflicting stories put it at 13 1/2" long)
Notoriety    Alleged that he had sex with over 14,000 women (on and off screen)
Date of Death    March 13, 1988
Cause of Death    AIDS-Related illness

PRINSESA OLAYRA

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In reply to our reader’s request to write about Princess Olayra, here is the story from the files in our Antique fairyland  folder:
    Long ago, in Barangay  Carit-an in the Municipality of Patnongon, Antique lived a man named Akoy and his wife Mengay.  Near their house was a big bubog tree.  It was believed that the tree was enchanted for beneath it was a palace where fairies lived. 
    In the enchanted palace lived the fairy king and queen who ruled the realm.  Fairies have kingdoms of their own.  They can mingle with humans and may choose not to be visible to us.  They possess powers that humans do not have.  However, they are said to envy ordinary mortals because fairies do not have souls.  When they die, they could not aspire for a second life.  The reason why they want to marry ordinary people is that they want their children to have souls.
    The fairy king and queen who lived beneath the bubog tree wanted their children to someday marry an ordinary mortal.  And so when the queen got pregnant, they wanted the best in every aspects of their child.  In the choice of a name, the royal couple gathered their friends in fairyland for some suggestions and decided on the name “Olayra.”
    At about the same time that the fairy king and queen was expecting a child, so were Akoy and Mengay.  The mortal child was named Natalie; the royal baby was named Olayra.
    One day, Mengay took baby Natalie in her arms to have a stroll on the beach.  Suddenly, a big wave struck them which made her let go of her child.  Natalie was nowhere to be found.  And Mengay grieved.
     At the fairyland kingdom, the couple now wanted to bring their child to the mortal world.  They wrapped the baby in a diaper with the name “Olayra” and had her placed under the big bubog tree.  When Akoy and Mengay woke up that morning, they heard a baby crying.  They hurried down to find the baby girl.
     Akoy and Mengay took care of the baby as if she were their own child.  Every now and then, the king and queen would visit Olayra without being seen by the human couple.  They gave the child everything she needed without the knowledge of Akoy and Mengay.  Sometimes they would take the child to their kingdom. 
    When Olayra was of school age, she was sent to Patnongon, Antique to attend classes in the elementary grades.  She went to school with Celina.  The latter was also a child of fairies.  It was she who suggested the name “Olayra” to the royal couple when the queen was still pregnant.  When they were in college, Celina and Olayra were sent to the Central Philippine University in Iloilo to take up college courses.  The king and queen even gifted their daughter with a ship made of gold on which to ride whenever she is on a cruise to other kingdoms. Up to this time, Akoy and Mengay had no idea that their adopted daughter was a fairy.  Olayra grew up to be a beautiful lady.  Her foster parents loved her so much.  She had many suitors, but all were rejected. 
    Olayra’s love interest was a foreigner named Fitzgerald, a young man of Italian parentage who was fond of going places for adventure.  He had a luxurious yacht to take him on a cruise with his friends.  One day a storm broke his yacht to pieces.  All of his friends were thrown into the raging ocean and got drowned.  Fitzgerald was the only survivor.  He was found near the bubog tree.  A couple found him and nursed him back to health.  One day, while Fitzgerald was sitting near the beach, he met Olayra.  More meetings followed that soon he fell in love with the young lady.
    Olayra came to be noticed by the community.  People wondered and began to ask who she really was.  They remembered Natalie.  Unknown to Akoy and Mengay, Natalie was found by a couple in a beach where the big wave took her.  The couple found the name “Natalie” embroidered in the diaper which wrapped around her.  They asked:  If Natalie was Mengay’s daughter, then who is Olayra? Hushed talks and gossips about her origin hounded her.   
    The fairy princess also fell in love with Fitzgerald and they set a date for their wedding.  The ceremony took place in Patnongon.  Soon after, Fitzgerald found out that his wife was not the daughter of Akoy and Mengay.  He confronted her about who she really was and where she really came from.  Olayra merely ignored him and because of this he grew so impatient that he slapped her.  When her real parents knew about the incident, they got so angry.  One day, Fitzgerald could no longer be found.  A search was made but to no avail.  Only the king, the queen, and Olayra knew what really happened.
    Olayra finally revealed to her foster parents who and what she really was.   She told them that her real parents wanted her to live with them in their kingdom.  As for Natalie, Akoy and Mengay finally got to know where the big wave took her.  They brought her home from the people who adopted her.
    Olayra and Natalie must have lived happily ever after.
(Our research tells us that the Story of Olayra was written by Russel O. Tordesillas.  It was serialized in a local radio station.  Tordesillas is a respected writer and is known as the grand old man of Kinaray-a literature.)

MESSALINA

When we were children we associated the Romans with centurions, chariots, and gladiators.  In high school, we learned that Law and Engineering were their contributions to civilization.  We came to know that Rome also contributed orgies and sex in high places. Indeed, the grandeur… that was Rome.
The now familiar name Messalina was also the name of the wife of an emperor in ancient Rome. She was best known for challenging—and defeating—a notorious prostitute to a sex competition. 
Valeria Messalina was the wife of Emperor Claudius who ruled Rome in the 1st Century AD.  History sources portray Messalina as scheming, avaricious, and a nymphomaniac.  She participated much in politics and used sex to strengthen her power and control over politicians.  She maintained a brothel and organized orgies participated by men and women in high places.
One account of her tells that the moment she hears her husband snores, she will then slip out of their royal bed wearing a hooded night gown and go straight to her brothel.  She then places herself in one of the cubicles to offer her body to customers of the night.  The story goes that Messalina absorbs all the jug-jug with gusto and continues her trade into dawn long after all the other girls have already been done and have gone home.  She ends the night by slipping back to Emperor Claudius’ side in their royal bed.
The most widely reported tale about Messalina was her challenge to a prostitute named Scylla to an all-night sex competition.  Each of them was to take as many lovers in one single sex act.  Whoever took the more number of lovers will win the contest.  Scylla gave up when each of them had taken 25 lovers, but Messalina saw no reason to stop copulating and went on well into the morning.  It was told that she stopped only because of exhaustion  but she was never satisfied.
Here are some lines dedicated to Messalina’ exploits by a Roman writer Juvenal translated in English:

Then consider the God's rivals, hear what Claudius
had to put up with. The minute she heard him snoring
his wife - that whore-empress - who¬ dared to prefer the mattress
of a stews to her couch in the Palace, called for her hooded
night-cloak and hastened forth, with a single attendant.
Then, her black hair hidden under an ash-blonde wig,
she'd make straight for her brothel, with its stale, warm coverlets,
and her empty reserved cell. Here, naked, with gilded
nipples, she plied her trade, under the name of 'The Wolf-Girl',
parading the belly that once housed a prince of the blood.
She would greet each client sweetly, demand cash payment,
and absorb all their battering - without ever getting up.
Too soon the brothel-keeper dismissed his girls:
she stayed right till the end, always last to go,
then trailed away sadly, still | with burning, rigid vulva,
exhausted by men, yet a long way from satisfied,
cheeks grimed with lamp-smoke, filthy, carrying home
to her Imperial couch the stink of the whorehouse.

One Act of Kindness

It was a rush hour on a Friday afternoon. I received a message on my mobile phone that the information I had been dying to know for days had already been emailed to me. I cannot wait to be home so my son and I dropped by the nearest computer café in front of the West Visayas State University.

We must have stayed there for over an hour because when we decided to leave it was already dark. My son wanted to take something hot before we finally go home so we walked to the refreshment parlor about 50 meters from the café.

There were little pools of water on the sidewalk so there must have been a drizzle of sort while we were inside. We have not walked farther when we saw a group of high school boys from the university clustered around something as they cheered. There was excitement in the air that my son held me back to walk behind him. However, we have to move aside as another group of teen-age boys from the Iloilo National High School ran past us. Still inching our way forward, curious about it, we heard one of the university boys cheer, “Strong! Sipa!(kick!)” We thought it was a rumble of some gangs but on closer look, it was not.

Amidst them was a badjao, a beggar lying on the pavement. I can’t tell if he fainted or if he was asleep but I saw one lean boy kick his left arm and it went flying from the pavement to his torso. Two of the three boys from the national high school reached the circle ahead of the others and one tried to talk to them to stop. They stopped… but they left in a noisy, jovial mood.

When they left, one of the boys felt for the pulse of the badjao and nodded to his companions. Two of them lifted him and moved him near the wall where the pavement was dry while the last to arrive placed a plastic bag with pan-de-sal beside him.

My son clicked his tongue at their brusqueness but I said a little prayer blessing the kind boys. Really, it doesn’t matter much where you are stationed in life, what matters is how big your heart is towards the small people around. Whatever happened to those university boys to have acted that condemnable way was something I cannot imagine; but, whatever drove those other boys to help that beggar made them very commendable.

Indeed, heartless acts make a person so small that they do not deserve to be given attention whereas little acts of kindness bring in more blessings to a soul.

‘Detector’

“Ginatawag ang igtalupangud sang tanan nga nagahupot sang armas nga nagalupok nga wala sang lisensiya nga inyo ini iga surrender sa pinakamalapit nga police o constabulary headquarters.  Ang indi magpati sang amu nga mandu pagasilutan sang KAMATAYON!”
These radio plugs were repeatedly broadcast in all stations from September – December 1972 when Martial Law was declared.  The plug did not stop at the kamatayon. There followed a presentation of how the military was able to know where rifles, pistols, grenades, and pugakhangs were kept—no matter where you put it.
Against this background was born the urban myth that the military and the police had a modern gun detector capable of finding out where guns are kept.  The detector is said to look like a miniature radar station complete with an odd-looking dish antenna as big as a labador.  All the operator has to do is to focus the antenna towards the direction where the firearm is suspected to be hidden.
The detector works by emitting a signal which bounces back as it reaches the suspected object.  The signal is then processed inside the box where the signals from a firearm can be distinguished from the signal of any other metal object. The signal from the device can penetrate through solid obstructions like concrete, stones, rocks, soils, and coconut leaves. Once identification is made, the detector emits a distinct beeping sound and presto … a suspect is caught!
Many believed this urban fairy tale as true.  The most telling proof of this is the several tons of surrendered firearms then stockpiled at the grounds of what is now Camp Delgado.  The myth, however, just dwelt on the capabilities of the gun detector.  It did not touch on what happened to the BARs, the M2 carbines, and the Thompson submachine guns that were surrendered. The post Marcos joke goes: The tamawo kept the high-powered ones except the pugakhangs.